Photo Credit: Stephanie Karfelt
Dear Ghirardelli Dark (with a Touch of Seasalt),
You know how I feel about you, and you use it against me. Perhaps that is my fault. If I were stronger maybe we could have a healthy relationship. I hope you’ll understand though, that the time has come for us to part ways. I’m just not the kind of girl who can be satisfied with weekends and holidays. It’s an all or nothing thing for me. I can’t participate in a relationship where we meet up now and then. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed those times. It was just never enough for me, and it left me depressed. I always wanted more.
Please know I don’t blame you. You tried to meet my needs, I admit that. But my obsession isn’t healthy. I wanted you every day, morning, noon, and night. The worst of it is, I don’t like to share, and I’ve seen you around. Please don’t deny it. You know one woman is never going to be enough for you.
It’s not you, it’s me. We’re like Sid and Nancy together, and I gotta tell ya Sid, I don’t like what you do to me. I saw what you did to the clothes in my closet, and I don’t know how you can live with yourself. Today I was forced to buy a pair of emergency dress pants to tide me over, until I can repair the damage you’ve done. So I’m telling you straight out, stay out of my life. Please don’t take it personally. I think Whitney said it best, I-ee-I-ee-I Will Always Love You. And it’s a small world after all, so I’m sure you’ll see me from time to time. Ignore the lust in my eyes, and don’t protest when I follow the sage advice of Dionne Warwick, and Just Walk on By.
Anyone else have an unhealthy relationship with chocolate? The above photo is a shot of my emergency chocolate stash. Right? Pretty lush? I'm giving it away, I have to. If you're interested, leave me a comment and tell me about your relationship with chocolate. I only have one emergency stash - and I will warn you right now, some of that chocolate has been opened and consumed. Not much, but some. But hey, it's free, and awesome. As always I'm giving away Epic Slinky Dogs too. I request that you follow my blog (by clicking on "Join this Site" over there -->) and leave a comment to be eligible for a giveaway. (And if you gave me some of that amazing chocolate for Christmas, I'm sorry, it hurts me more than it hurts you, so put your name in the running and maybe get it back.)
My relationship with chocolate is imperative to my life. I cannot live without writing. I cannot write without chocolate. I have a rare congenital wiring defect that requires measured daily doses of choco so that my brain will operate properly. It's pertinent that I continue to supply myself with my drugs of choice... coffee and chocolate. I will never finish the book without them. Don't feel bad about enabling me. SEND the choco. I see some things in that box that I'd sell a kidney to try. Most people give up chocolate to be more fit, but truth is, in my case it is the chocolate that spurs me to get off my booty and exercise. I doubt I'd ever move it without a guilty pleasure to remind me that I simply must. I have a love love relationship with chocolate. I will love your chocolate and give it a good home for as long as it lives... which I promise you won't be long. ^.^ReplyDelete
I won't leave any long reasons about why I need this. I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for my 18 month old daughter. She saw the picture and started crying when she realized it wasn't real. Please, end her misery and send it to me. Otherwise, you're just making her more sad.ReplyDelete
Okay, so that's entirely untrue, but still, it could be. The honest truth is this is the only kind of chocolate (dark) that Patty will allow in the house- she's done really well in improving her nutritional habits and such (see, a kindred spirit!). I dare not tread another path (at least with her knowing) but I also dare not fool myself into thinking I don't want it. While I'm not willing to sell a kidney, I am willing to arrange for someone to steal Donna's kidney and split the proceeds with you, Steph.
See?!? This is what lack of good chocolate does to me. Panhandling my daughter's emotions and black market kidney brokering. Only you can stop the cycle. Only. You.
Just so you know Rob... the kidney is full of rocks. ;)ReplyDelete
You can have the dark chocolate. I want to try that salty-sweet confection... droool.
I say I give you the kidney and you give me the salty choco. ;)
And about that whole daughter crying thing... EVIL. Well played... but entirely evil.
Rob – This makes me feel so philanthropic. Who knew chocolate could do so much good in the world? Aside from inspiring people to sell other people’s kidneys that is.ReplyDelete
With these perfect demonstrations of what this Chocolate can do to previously good people (i'm going on faith here, not the evidence), it is clearly a good thing you have decided to break up.ReplyDelete
The other, absolutely clear point is that neither of your above commenters ought to be allowed anywhere near any more of this substance. It's not good for them; it wouldn't be good for us; the world would not thank you.
Besides, it's well-known that in Wales chocolate is calorie- and guilt-free. Just sayin'.
Rob, new idea... let's find Elsie and have a talk with her about her kidneys. ^.^ReplyDelete
I'm currently having a similar problem. Unfortunately I'm not as popular as you and can't give away all the sweets I can no longer have. (I'm being forced to leave my sweet tooth behind. Turns out he's been two-timing my jeans...multiplication of the numbers).ReplyDelete
My method was to eat it all before I can't eat it all anymore...is that the wrong way to do it? But I have that pint of ice cream...
No thank you. None of your chocolate for me...
I follow your blog.ReplyDelete
My relationship with chocolate is: if my boyfriend gives it to me, I'm eating it all! :) But I'm too cheap to really buy it for myself.
This comment has been removed by the author.ReplyDelete
Uh-uh-uh, Donna. You've made your offer, & the Glitter Queen has seen it an understood the terms. That's what "ROFLOL" means in Icelandic: "I understand your offer, and now you aren't allowed to change the terms of it" (very compact with their language, these Ericssons and Thorvaldsdottirs!). If you win the chocolate, you are morally bound to have a kidney removed.ReplyDelete
My biggest problem with chocolate - I rarely have any. I guess it's a long-distance relationship?ReplyDelete
I love chocolate. Dark, milk, white, flavored, with nuts or dried fruit. But I get headaches from caffeine, and guess what chocolate has. Helps keep my consumption down, though. Your stash would likely last me till next move and would be a welcome anti-depressant. ^.^ReplyDelete
Your post had me LMAO seriously. I sometimes feel I have this same relationship with my Kindle but then I say, it is true love so why break up? I have been dying to try the Dark and Sea Salt Caramel! Starbucks has a similar drink and it is so yummy! Thanks so much for the chance.ReplyDelete
May i just say, i am seriously impressed with your self-control; i know just how long you've had at least one of those bars, and the one i bought at the same time...long gone. In my family, i was always the one who could make sweets or treats last the longest (talk about a great way to annoy siblings!), but you have me substantially beaten. I bow to you, oh Glitter Queen.ReplyDelete
Don't be too impressed Elsie. You didn't see what I did behind doors with a box of petit fors.ReplyDelete
Though I am patting myself on my back that for the past six days I've also avoided sugar. Sugar is chocolate's buddy and biggest enabler. So they both had to go. They're in cohoots.
Contest is wrapping up! Winners will be announced soon! In the meantime, if you're interested leave a comment!
Sheesh! Sorry it took me so long to announce a winner. Slinky Dog and I have been traveling, and if you think I'm kidding you, obviously don't read my blog much.ReplyDelete
I couldn't choose a chocolate winner based on your comments, I enjoyed all of them so much. So I picked a random one.
Drum roll please? Or Epic Slinky Dogs barking an epic build up...the winner of the awesome chocolate award (which now includes a chocolate bar I picked up in Vegas as an added bonus for having to wait) goes to none other than that woman who offered to sell a kidney - DMKilgore. I don't agree with Elsie though, that you are morally bound to sell one DMK. In fact, I hope you don't. Unless you know someone who needs one - in which case sign your donor card.