Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Driving Myself to Drink

The Glitter Globe S. R. Karfelt
Copyright by Abbey Miklitsch and her driving hedgehog, Zebra

Aren’t you glad the holidays are over? All that pressure, all the excess, all the ribbons and wrappings are done with. Now we can face a couple months of empty days full of nothing but icy cold and blowing snow.

Not to mention the Pièce de résistance liquid penance for all sinners—the green smoothie.

Which if you’ve been a bad boy like I’ve been a bad girl you need to start consuming by the tanker truck full.

Would you believe my enthusiasm for empty days is genuine? Do you feel like that too? Nothing soothes an introvert’s heart like a completely blank January calendar. Can you give me a Mel Gibson FREEDOM roar? (Why does mine always sound like Sméagol?)

If we could just wrap the cray-zay of last year into a titanium capsule and bury it beneath Mesozoic layers of guano in the bat cave—where hopefully it won’t leak into this year—our quiet freedom might last. Pretend. Remember the power of positive thinking?

Huge amounts of creative energy can be produced from a quiet zone. That’s why I like to work in a cave. My laptop is balanced on a stalagmite. The green smoothie IV is hanging from a stalactite. My body has melded into the Stairmaster, like some sort of Wes Craven Centaur-thing. All the working out and writing I’m doing is generating a force field against interruption.

Federation Starfleet Force Field Level Ten and Holding.

(Maybe everyone is just afraid to interrupt when I’m working (and talking) like this? The cave is a metaphor (maybe). Just in case someone thinks I literally work in a cave (I do) and wonders how the WiFi works (it’s wired) or if they can visit (No. See above force field rating.) Of course if you’re a logical literalist, what are you doing in The Glitter Globe? Lost? You need to skedaddle because this cray be contagious. (Too late))

Is it just me or do you sense some cray leakage from the titanium capsule? 

Next year let’s bury it deeper than Mesozoic. Cenozoic? Anyone else on the lam? Anyone else glad to have some quiet time and hoping it lasts? And of equal importance, has anyone else been driven to drink the green smoothie based almost entirely on the crack called petit fours, pedaled by the Swiss Colony

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