Friday, March 15, 2013

Side Effects

·         The side effect for loving chocolate is that I will never wear skinny jeans, that and the fact that I haven’t been dead for two years.
·         #Icanfeelmyfatcellsexpanding
·         Crest Whitestrips really work. Only problem is if you smile outside on a windy day, you’ll have to pee. It’s true. Try it and report back.
·         Buying things at those mega shopping clubs means that come the zombie apocalypse, you’re set for Advil. Do zombies get headaches? I hope so or I wasted $40.
·         Refusing to read instruction manuals means the clock on every digital device in your home will blink incessantly. Forever. Because you’re not giving in are you?
·         Those who are intolerant to caffeine must nap. (It should be in the Americans with Disabilities Act.)
·         Jerk-face bosses who refuse to allow nap time have employees who learn to sleep with their eyes open.
·         If caffeine affects you like a hallucinogenic drug, you will stereotype and judge the trustworthiness of all Starbucks employees.
·         If you ask the barista over a dozen times if he is certain that that is decaf, he will offer to let you make it yourself.
·         If you ask a barista over a dozen times if she is certain that that is decaf, it won’t be.
·         When you make a sexist barista comment, it won’t matter how many anecdotes you have to back it up.
·         Pretending to remember someone’s name the second time you meet them (because they remember yours and it would be awkward to ask) now means that you will have to fake it for years.
·         Trying to introduce someone without knowing their name is an excellent time to practice your fake fainting skills, you fraud will invoke a hush heard around the world while you struggle to come up with something.
·         Hypothetically speaking – if someone were to have given people they worked with excellent monikers like “Limitless” “Phenomenon” and “Mel Gibson’s good-looking brother”, this is the part where they’d now know why. (It’s not you, it’s me.)
·         When the doctor says “side effects are rare”, the emergency room doctor will tell you otherwise. Congratulations. You’re rare.

Everything has a side effect doesn’t it? It’s all one great big butterfly effect. Have you noticed any in your life? What happens if you have too much caffeine? Too much chocolate? Too much time with your relatives? Hmmm? You can tell me, I’m sure it will have few side effects. 

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