Friday, March 15, 2013

Side Effects




·         The side effect for loving chocolate is that I will never wear skinny jeans, that and the fact that I haven’t been dead for two years.
·         #Icanfeelmyfatcellsexpanding
·         Crest Whitestrips really work. Only problem is if you smile outside on a windy day, you’ll have to pee. It’s true. Try it and report back.
·         Buying things at those mega shopping clubs means that come the zombie apocalypse, you’re set for Advil. Do zombies get headaches? I hope so or I wasted $40.
·         Refusing to read instruction manuals means the clock on every digital device in your home will blink incessantly. Forever. Because you’re not giving in are you?
·         Those who are intolerant to caffeine must nap. (It should be in the Americans with Disabilities Act.)
·         Jerk-face bosses who refuse to allow nap time have employees who learn to sleep with their eyes open.
·         If caffeine affects you like a hallucinogenic drug, you will stereotype and judge the trustworthiness of all Starbucks employees.
·         If you ask the barista over a dozen times if he is certain that that is decaf, he will offer to let you make it yourself.
·         If you ask a barista over a dozen times if she is certain that that is decaf, it won’t be.
·         When you make a sexist barista comment, it won’t matter how many anecdotes you have to back it up.
·         Pretending to remember someone’s name the second time you meet them (because they remember yours and it would be awkward to ask) now means that you will have to fake it for years.
·         Trying to introduce someone without knowing their name is an excellent time to practice your fake fainting skills, you fraud will invoke a hush heard around the world while you struggle to come up with something.
·         Hypothetically speaking – if someone were to have given people they worked with excellent monikers like “Limitless” “Phenomenon” and “Mel Gibson’s good-looking brother”, this is the part where they’d now know why. (It’s not you, it’s me.)
·         When the doctor says “side effects are rare”, the emergency room doctor will tell you otherwise. Congratulations. You’re rare.

Everything has a side effect doesn’t it? It’s all one great big butterfly effect. Have you noticed any in your life? What happens if you have too much caffeine? Too much chocolate? Too much time with your relatives? Hmmm? You can tell me, I’m sure it will have few side effects. 


7 comments:

DM Kilgore said...

Too much chocolate is a myth. Too much caffeine makes my heart turn all Fred Astaire.

Oh, and if you forget someone's name, do this:

"I'm sorry, what was your name?"

*They will be hurt you forgot but supply their first name.*

"Oh, no, not our first name! (laugh and smile) Your LAST name?"

Problem solved. ;)

You're welcome.

*straps on a Crest white strip and goes outside...*

DM Kilgore said...

YOUR not our... that sneaky "y" key!

Stephanie Pazicni Karfelt said...

I knew it was your! So going to try it. Will report back.
Let me know how that Crest White Strip works for ya... :D

LaDonna said...

Spending hours trying to pry open the Slinky Dog to get at his candy, only to give up and cut the plastic tubing off, has the unfortunate side effect of a Slinky Dog who is unable to stop hiking his hind leg...

Sharon (Cook) Leaf said...

i don't have time to comment, but you r funny!

Lauren said...

I love this. So so so much.

Kelsey-plain and simple said...

Donna is a genius. Trying that forever.

Side Effects:

Being a writer is great. You create endless scenes and people in your head.
The side effect - you can create endless scenarios of a real life occurrence, and once you get to that moment, you fill the place up with awkward.

*In head - sass your friend for his rudeness and kindly introduce yourself to his new girlfriend. The two of you laugh about his silly inability to remember manners and become the best of friend*

*Reality - you try to sass your friend, who doesn't get what you're saying so you awkwardly lunge forward in an introduction, startling the girlfriend before you make a quick getaway, realizing how stupid you just looked/sounded*

Happens all the time ;)