Reasons Why it Sucks to be the Evolutionary Superior Model (Female)
S.R. Karfelt/The Glitter Globe
Oh, come on now. This is not
man-bashing. I don’t roll like that. Number One Man Fan right here! I’m basing
this entire scientific conclusion that I just made up, on one glaringly obvious
biological fact. Girl nads are on the inside. Isn’t that proof enough? It is
Now let’s get to the suckage of
being the evolutionary superior model.
Breasts. Breasts are like scoring
that beach house in the Hamptons that you’ve always wanted. You never thought
about taxes and upkeep when you were dreaming did you? Now you have to DECORATE
and keep Mother Nature from wrecking
everything as the years go by. Sooner or later you must accept that you are no
longer Spring Break material—or spring for an expensive remodel.
The evolutionary ability to do
anything coupled with the societal expectation to look good while you do it.
Give me a freaking break! These two things do not mesh!
The bleed every month but don’t
die club. Oh, sure we’re glad that we don’t have to die, but does it have to feel like it so often?
Explaining to your boss why you’re
missing a day of work due to cramps, if it’s a dude. He has cramps from Taco
Bell last night and he’s at work. If you tell the truth, “My uterus has
nail-gunned me to the floor and there’s a Manson-Murder blood trail through my
house,” it just makes you sound like a drama queen.
Hair. You may have all the hair
you want on top of your head, but you must make it obey.
Eyebrows. Eyebrow rules change
more than hair rules. Get it right.
Eyelashes. They are to be long
and black and perfect forever. Thank you.
All other hair is forbidden at
this time. Get rid of it.
Feet. Shove them into heels and
Make-up. You shouldn’t need this,
but you do, and if you get it wrong you will be judged.
Nails. See above.
Absolutely any of the life-skills
that are often considered traditionally female-oriented, that you just happen
to blow at. Like clothes, cooking, housework, and those other things that
actually do not arrive with your V-Card.
The supreme efficiency of the female
calorie burning system in a world where thin is in. Surely this was a
wonderfully epic thing eons before dark chocolate and Chipotle.
Absolutely all gender
expectation. This runs the gamut from love to birthing babies to life skills.
Women are human beings first and even if we were born with an Expectation Memo
in hand and the ability to read it; we’d just tear it up and be a person first—just
like everybody else.
What did I miss, Ladies? And
Gentlemen, because this is an equal opportunity blog and your opinion counts
too. State your suckage.