Friday, April 10, 2015

Reasons Why it Sucks to be the Evolutionary Superior Model (Female)

Effing Swan, Women, Author, S.R. Karfelt, The Glitter Globe
S.R. Karfelt/The Glitter Globe

Oh, come on now. This is not man-bashing. I don’t roll like that. Number One Man Fan right here! I’m basing this entire scientific conclusion that I just made up, on one glaringly obvious biological fact. Girl nads are on the inside. Isn’t that proof enough? It is for me.


Now let’s get to the suckage of being the evolutionary superior model.


  • Breasts. Breasts are like scoring that beach house in the Hamptons that you’ve always wanted. You never thought about taxes and upkeep when you were dreaming did you? Now you have to DECORATE and keep Mother Nature from wrecking everything as the years go by. Sooner or later you must accept that you are no longer Spring Break material—or spring for an expensive remodel.
  • The evolutionary ability to do anything coupled with the societal expectation to look good while you do it. Give me a freaking break! These two things do not mesh!
  • The bleed every month but don’t die club. Oh, sure we’re glad that we don’t have to die, but does it have to feel like it so often?
  • Explaining to your boss why you’re missing a day of work due to cramps, if it’s a dude. He has cramps from Taco Bell last night and he’s at work. If you tell the truth, “My uterus has nail-gunned me to the floor and there’s a Manson-Murder blood trail through my house,” it just makes you sound like a drama queen.
  • Hair. You may have all the hair you want on top of your head, but you must make it obey.
  • Eyebrows. Eyebrow rules change more than hair rules. Get it right.
  • Eyelashes. They are to be long and black and perfect forever. Thank you.
  • All other hair is forbidden at this time. Get rid of it.
  • Feet. Shove them into heels and STFU.
  • Make-up. You shouldn’t need this, but you do, and if you get it wrong you will be judged.
  • Nails. See above.
  • Absolutely any of the life-skills that are often considered traditionally female-oriented, that you just happen to blow at. Like clothes, cooking, housework, and those other things that actually do not arrive with your V-Card.
  • The supreme efficiency of the female calorie burning system in a world where thin is in. Surely this was a wonderfully epic thing eons before dark chocolate and Chipotle.
  • Absolutely all gender expectation. This runs the gamut from love to birthing babies to life skills. Women are human beings first and even if we were born with an Expectation Memo in hand and the ability to read it; we’d just tear it up and be a person first—just like everybody else. 

What did I miss, Ladies? And Gentlemen, because this is an equal opportunity blog and your opinion counts too. State your suckage. 


  1. You are brave and awesome! There are so many for this list, but I think you hit the main categories. lol.

  2. Thank you, LaDonna. I spent way too much time thinking this one over. It made me feel like an effing swan on thin ice. Is it worrisome that I like that feeling?

  3. This made me laugh. I appreciated it. :)

  4. OMG- hilarous! I needed this this morning. :)

  5. You can be an effing swan on thin ice...swans can swim!

    I feel like the makeup one is big. And eyebrows. Mine today are emphasized but is that still a thing? Wait, are they supposed to be plucked to the point of baldness or thick and unibrow-y? Which one is in?
    I forget.

  6. Glad I made you laugh, Anonymous!

    Hey, Kirstin! :D

    Good point, Kelsey--Swans can swim (but can they scuba dive?). In an attempt to circumvent eyebrow problems, I've gone with extra-long bangs. Highly recommend this evolutionary superior model life hack.

  7. “My uterus has nail-gunned me to the floor and there’s a Manson-Murder blood trail through my house,” HA! Mine just took me out right now. I have especially bad ones too that have involved me literally passing out in public then people tell me suck it up all women go through it...... also I only wore makeup once at a mary kay party and have no idea what to do with it. I can't wear heels because I'm clumsy, and basically, I have failed society's image of a woman entirely. But this post just made me feel better! :D lol

  8. Hey Rebecca--Passing out in public sounds like you WERE sucking it up. See what happens? Surely it's better not to rip the nail gun loose and just stay there on the floor.
    Glad my post made you feel better, your comment made me lol, and even if you've failed society's image, you're in good company and I know you're still an effing swan.

  9. I am seriously dying. *Waves hand in front of face* this is just too much funny!

  10. This has to be one of THE best blogs I have read in a long time. Seriously. You have become my idol. Everything you have listed is right on the money. And the nail-gun/Manson-family analogy is priceless.

    I cannot possibly think of anything you have missed. You got it all. Except perhaps for flip-flops. I know lots of people love them but for me they are just as painful as high heels so I'll stick with my super-sonic Brooks tennis shoes and be on my way. Or my combat boots.

    I do think we need Dr. Frank N Furter to weigh in on these items, especially from a man's perspective. I expect he could have some awesome tales to tell.

    You rock, sweetie!

  11. Thanks so much, Joni!

    The muse and I felt that these were all set in concrete factoids. We were both born with a crippling deficiency in the lady skills department, although we both share an obsessive love of high heels. The only thing is that I can't walk in them.

    Of course my muse sees no reason that writers need to walk anyway. As long as I can clench a pencil in my jaws, or type with my nose she'll continue to use me up. I'm so lucky.

  12. Thanks Becky! I love to make people laugh! (You too Katie!)

  13. Holy crow.... this is hilarious and true.