Sunday, June 3, 2012

When Pigs Back-Fire

Once Upon a Time an evil contractor was trying to force me to do something I was not prepared to do. (This whole tale is quite dark and involves the awfulness that is lawyers, police, court, etc. We won’t go into all that now, because THAT will be a book someday. Oh yes, the novelist has the last laugh, or cry.)  As I was saying:  Once Upon a Time the Evil Contractor, E.C., was determined to obtain my cooperation through whatever means necessary. One fine day, E.C. slogged his way up Spooky Hill through the forest and built a pig pen at the corner of my property. Then he filled it with an assortment of pigs and roosters. I think that this was Brilliant Plan #74, if memory serves.
My children and the children in the neighborhood were beside themselves with joy, a petting zoo right in our own backyard. They were writhing with the thrill of it, the adults, not so much, at least not at first.
There were no roads crossing over Spooky Hill at that time, so to feed and water those pigs took serious time and effort on the part of E.C. Believe you me the kids made sure that those animals were well taken care of. They spent half the summer standing at the property line, shivering with happiness. “They’re so cuuuuute!  Mom!  Look!  They’re soooo cuuuuute!” One of the roosters flew the coop and started living on a neighbor’s back porch. The kids would prop him on their forearms and carry him around. E.C. tried to coax him back to the pen. Rooster had better sense and refused cooperation. That entire summer those kids ran up and down Spooky Hill with that bird.
Unfortunately the pigs had a less pleasant fate. Eventually E.C. either tired of hauling food to them or wearied of providing hours of entertainment to my kids, but they vanished. I heard from someone in the village that E.C. had gifted people working at The Town large amounts of pork. The kids never knew, well, unless they’re reading my blog now. If they are, let me just point out that there is no proof that is what became of the pigs. It might have been coincidence or rumor.

In keeping with the happy memory of the disappearing pigs, there was a large costume party themed, “Come as Your Favorite Pig.”  I was Miss Piggy and Dear Hubby was forced into a rather large Kermit costume. Hey, I needed a date. After that the entire neighborhood started an annual pig roast every summer. The World Famous Superhero, known as Super-Pig, made an appearance every year and the children were delighted to have their pictures taken with him. The rooster mysteriously ended up at a farm on the far side of the village. Things might have gone back to normal then, but then someone on Spooky Hill gave someone a little toy pig. Then someone gave someone else pig tea towels. Then someone went on vacation and foolishly trusted someone else with their house key, and as a group we did a little “remodel surprise” for them. After that, common sense was at a premium, and for years pig paraphernalia was the décor of choice on The Hill. It still pops up from time to time, though we made a pact to stop it a couple years back. Now and then someone falls off the wagon. I mean, really, check this out…could you really pass up a pig lighter with flames shooting out his nostrils? I'm only human.


  1. I KNOW HOW THE ROOSTER "FLEW" THE COOP! He just told me buahahahaha

  2. That lighter is just about the cutest tobacco accessory i've ever seen! I love it!

  3. I know Elise, right? Isn't that awesome? They make a long one too, you know so it can reach inside the fireplace easier. Fire breathing pigs rock.

  4. I need that PIG lighter!!! For when I grill me some pork chops!! You rock Steph! Keep writing. I need to laugh. So this is where I come! :)