Thursday, April 9, 2015

Reasons Why it Sucks to be the Evolutionary Superior Model (Female)

Effing Swan, Women, Author, S.R. Karfelt, The Glitter Globe
S.R. Karfelt/The Glitter Globe

Oh, come on now. This is not man-bashing. I don’t roll like that. Number One Man Fan right here! I’m basing this entire scientific conclusion that I just made up, on one glaringly obvious biological fact. Girl nads are on the inside. Isn’t that proof enough? It is for me.


Now let’s get to the suckage of being the evolutionary superior model.


  • Breasts. Breasts are like scoring that beach house in the Hamptons that you’ve always wanted. You never thought about taxes and upkeep when you were dreaming did you? Now you have to DECORATE and keep Mother Nature from wrecking everything as the years go by. Sooner or later you must accept that you are no longer Spring Break material—or spring for an expensive remodel.
  • The evolutionary ability to do anything coupled with the societal expectation to look good while you do it. Give me a freaking break! These two things do not mesh!
  • The bleed every month but don’t die club. Oh, sure we’re glad that we don’t have to die, but does it have to feel like it so often?
  • Explaining to your boss why you’re missing a day of work due to cramps, if it’s a dude. He has cramps from Taco Bell last night and he’s at work. If you tell the truth, “My uterus has nail-gunned me to the floor and there’s a Manson-Murder blood trail through my house,” it just makes you sound like a drama queen.
  • Hair. You may have all the hair you want on top of your head, but you must make it obey.
  • Eyebrows. Eyebrow rules change more than hair rules. Get it right.
  • Eyelashes. They are to be long and black and perfect forever. Thank you.
  • All other hair is forbidden at this time. Get rid of it.
  • Feet. Shove them into heels and STFU.
  • Make-up. You shouldn’t need this, but you do, and if you get it wrong you will be judged.
  • Nails. See above.
  • Absolutely any of the life-skills that are often considered traditionally female-oriented, that you just happen to blow at. Like clothes, cooking, housework, and those other things that actually do not arrive with your V-Card.
  • The supreme efficiency of the female calorie burning system in a world where thin is in. Surely this was a wonderfully epic thing eons before dark chocolate and Chipotle.
  • Absolutely all gender expectation. This runs the gamut from love to birthing babies to life skills. Women are human beings first and even if we were born with an Expectation Memo in hand and the ability to read it; we’d just tear it up and be a person first—just like everybody else. 

What did I miss, Ladies? And Gentlemen, because this is an equal opportunity blog and your opinion counts too. State your suckage. 

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