Monday, July 8, 2013

Welcome Warning


Luna Moth



Things you should know if you’re going to be a houseguest.

·         I take my writing very seriously.
·         Not house work.
·         Time is just another number to be ignored here.
·         Dear Hubby Vs. The Groundhog means nerve shattering shotgun blasts with no warning.
·         The doorbell, like the phone, is just white noise when I’m writing. If your hand gets sore knocking, you might try a foot.
·         I was raised to lock doors. See above if you step outside for any reason.
·         We’re not sure how many people live here. They come and go like they belong so I just roll with it.
·         If you see a giant on the premises there is no need to panic. I mean, well, don’t turn your back on him or anything, but he responds well to bacon.
·         Make yourself at home. Seriously, while you’re here you’re part of the family. Feel free to get yourself a cold drink and root for snacks whenever you like. After that get to your chores. This is your week to vacuum and do laundry.
·         Remember what happened to gremlins if you got them wet or fed them after midnight? That happens here if you try to get all morning person on us.
·         Bedtime is before sunrise.
·         Mealtime is whenever you feel like cooking it.
·         Don’t forget to do the dishes after you cook.
·         My house is in the woods. Luna moths, lightning bugs, and baby birds sometimes act like they own the place. We practice catch and release.
·         Spiders and hornets are always in season. Feel free to search and destroy. Spare me the spiders are beneficial insects spiel. I’m allergic. Beat them until their legs fall off and I'll tell you where I hide the chocolate. 

Can you live with those rules? Anything you'd need to add?


8 comments:

Mel said...

Yes. The really hot landscaper that works at the neighbor's house is off limits to guests.

Call Me Heretic said...

Yes you're welcome to visit any time. No, we do not have any furniture (unless you count the air mattress) and we have no idea when that will change.
90% of the meals I know how to cook involve eggs - so far no one has complained except me.
My other half also doubles as a furnace; we keep the AC/heat set accordingly. Bring a sweater.
There are 3 other doors near ours, a knock on any one of these will sound like it is on our door. Ring the bell unless you want to wait for us to decide whether that was our door or not.
Be careful when removing the towel from the rod - the rod might decide to come, too.
If you find a spider and scream, you will be laughed at - not rescued. Well, someone might rescue you, but only after the laughter subsides.

Also, if I'm visiting you, I will find your hidden chocolate without even trying. If you ever forget where you hid it, my services can be obtained for a small finders fee. :P

Kelsey-plain and simple said...

Taking notes.
Except spiders make me scream.

So do bees.

You've been warned.

I'm now considering a post on what it's like to have me as a houseguest....

Stephanie Pazicni Karfelt said...

It is good of you to think to protect this landscaper, Mel. Though I have every reason to suspect you would happily employ an army of trolls for your own landscaping needs.

Tell me I'm wrong?

Stephanie Pazicni Karfelt said...

CMH - It is highly unlikely I'd forget any chocolate. There was that one time, but it was chocolate covered espresso beans, and it was for the best because I forgot to sleep for days when I ate them.

I make excellent eggs btw. Seriously. It is quite possible I make the best eggs on earth - outside that whole eggs benedict thingy.

Stephanie Pazicni Karfelt said...

Kelsey - Shall start spraying hornets in your honor. I'd luv to read that post!

Anonymous said...

Lol, sounds familiar. Esp the part about not sure who lives here. Spiders are inevitable around here. Make friends or go insane. That should be the house slogan.
Lala

A.D.Trosper said...

LOL, sounds a lot like my house