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Wednesday, March 9, 2016
When I Was in Rome, a Creepy Italian Bit Me On The…
Italian SPIDER bit me.
had the exact same problem with CANADIAN flies. You cannot judge the wickedness
of even the smallest creature by their nationality or their leg count.
If you're a
spider lover, please drive on by. There is nothing here for you but pain. I
detest the suckers and they started it.
Roman spider bite might not have been such a big deal if years ago, I hadn't
foolishly crawled into bed with a Texan.
he crawled into bed with me.
mean a brown recluse spider in the great state of Texas, but my inner fiction
writer keeps trying to punch this story up a notch. Plus I had to throw that in
here to see if my husband is still reading my blog.
after I'd been with the brown recluse, I woke up with my back ON FIRE. It was
nasty and I went straight to the doctor. That experience wasn't too bad. I did
a course of steroids and antibiotics. The inflammation went down. Life carried
spider would bite me.
Bite me they
did. Until that night in Texas if I'd ever been bitten, I never noticed.
Everything changed afterOne Night with a Stranger in the
Lone Star State. That sounds like a book title. You can use it. If I did,
it'd be about a spider.
seem happy with a quickie leg-hump and chomp. (The Italian one was the first
who went straight to second base.) But no matter where they bite, things get
ugly. Think zombie apocalyptic wound. Think ooze and spooze for a few
months. Eventually my immune system notices and gets it in gear. Usually.
If you don't
think you've ever been bitten by a spider, I say you're lucky. Obviously you're
not allergic to them. Go right back to pretending in winter mosquitoes.
after the Roman spider bite I didn't go straight to the doctor. I was on vacation.
There were no bones sticking out. You know the vacation doctor rules. If death
is not obviously imminent YOU'RE ON VACATION! *insert miracle cure* *even if it
is just wishful thinking* Plus this bite wasn't a bad zombie apocalyptic one.
Even zombies have degrees of grossitude. Amiright?
breasticle bite was just enough to warrant aWHOA! WHERE HAS THAT BEEN?!From
Dear Hubby. Then we were off to snap epic and memorable cell phone photos of
Roman sites, like the Hard Rock.
couple weeks of not making direct eye contact with the wound, I returned home
and dragged myself in for a mammogram, just to be safe.
surprise when come to find out, spider induced mammography isn't all that
unusual. The technician and I exchanged spider horror stories. She won. Let's
not go there.
Never play Grosser Than Gross with a medical professional (or a plumber).
less fun to get a mammogram when you have a spider bite, but it wasn't that
bad. I'm pretty sure I have wimpy princess genes, so when I tell you something
isn't so bad you can trust me.
have a mammogram I try to score a sticker after. They are there for people's
kids, but HEY, I'm the one who just went through the monster mash. I'd like two
please. One for each, right? I don't understand WHY they don't give stickers to
adults anyway. And eclairs. Maybe a shot of Fireball Whiskey. Dude, something,
okay? I went straight from the breast press to the eclair stand. Then I came
home and took a nap to get over my traumaandsleep
off the sugar coma. This was followed by getting online and purchasing a
Himalayan Salt Lamp.
There is no
correlation, but this is how I deal with trauma. A splurge. A me day. You
should try it. If I'd found a spider in my house, I'd have juiced him in
retaliation and been perfectly satisfied. Fortunately I've discovered an
organic way to keep spiders out of my house. It took me years to figure this
Get a ton of
Swiffer dusters, and get one with the really long extending handle. Dust every
single inch of your house. You have to get the ceilings, the walls, the
baseboards. Don't forget behind the furniture too. I just crank up my heavy
metal DEATH TO ALL SPIDERS music and dust the abusive bastards out of my space.
If you get the cobwebs, the spiders tend to disappear. I do it about every two
weeks now. I also went so far as to replace a couple old doors that couldn't be
I live in the
woods so I have to be vigilant in my defense. Spiders are forever trying to get
to me. I think, to the mind of a spider, short mountain-climbing legs are
freaking hot stuff. Now I'm going to have to worry about them getting all up in
my cleavage too. As far as I'm concerned this is war, and one more reason to
take my writer-self to Iceland and live. Please share any good spider battle
plans in the comments. I'd also love to know how you feel about spiders, unless
of course you're a fan. If you are a fan, I know a guy in Texas who'd love to