Monday, April 22, 2013

Favorite Messes

  • Last week everyone left, and I discovered my brand new full-size bath towel inside the toilet bowl. I hadn’t turned on the light and darted back out of the room, unsure what was in there. (Groundhog briefly flitted through mind.) Nobody did it (that happens a lot around here). Very mysterious, and the towel was very absorbent.
  • Once I found this treasure on top of a glass table. Crayons, a little boy’s T-shirt, rabbit food, Hershey Kisses, and part of a grilled cheese sandwich all glued together with an entire bottle of Elmer’s glue. It had dried so the glue was clear and plastic-y and I was able to pry the entire mess up off the table and it held together beautifully. The artist preferred to remain anonymous.
  • Dashed into the garage for something and saw that nobody had again left the brown paper bag of rabbit food on the chest freezer out there. I picked it up, to put away, and thought it had a hole in the bag because stuff was falling out. Glancing down I realized it was mice. Lots of tiny mice, jumping out of the big bag I held clutched against my chest. I screamed. A lot. Did you hear me? Well, my family didn’t.
  • The dogs weren’t allowed in this end of the house, so when I heard snaggly toenails scratching the carpet I went to investigate. A white and orange bird dog was sliding up the hallway on his belly, he propelled himself awkwardly with his back legs only, front paws sorta dragging along at his side. This must be some strange form of dog sneak. I followed him. He slid into my daughter’s room, snaked up onto her toddler-sized pink bed. Stuck his snout into the Halloween bucket on the bed stand and nabbed a long Tootsie Roll, ate it, and left only the twisty ends behind. I was so impressed I didn’t mind that mess, but I think my son did because he’d been getting the blame for the stolen candy, and the random bits of wrappers left behind.
  • That circle of fur under the bed that looks like a cat exploded, ‘cept there’s no cat inside of it. How many years was he sneaking inside the bedroom and sleeping there?
  • The hay and horse-stuff footprints that the guy in front of me left at the bank.
  • Coolers that went on a fishing trip and then wait in the back hallway for a house elf to magic them empty and clean onto shelves in the garage. Open one if you’re woman enough. Surprise.
  • Fish hooks in the washer. Bullets in the dryer. Gum in the dryer. ß Just one reason all the money in the dryer is mine.

Now I know that you have a favorite mess or two of your own. Spill.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Pajama Party

Tonight I threw an impromptu pajama party all by my onesie. Everyone is gone, and since I recently returned from another time zone – and I’m currently still enjoying that time zone – I decided to just stay up and have some fun. The following is my pajama party for one list:
  • Put on a movie. Normally I watch movie trailers for an hour, lose interest and go do something else. Tonight I stuck with it and watched Cold Mountain. Next time I will stick with the movie trailers.
  • While watching the movie, read a book on your kindle, and google things on your phone, like did they really use botox during the civil war?
  • If you have recovered from waxing off half an eyebrow a couple months ago, drag out the hot wax at 2:00 a.m. and have another go. Curiously pile a ton of it on your leg. To save time cover a 4”x10” section of leg. Now you’ve done it, you’re committed and you have to pull that off. Be thankful your neighbors can’t hear your screams.
  • Since that went so well, try it on a section of arm.
  • Now scrub the tub, because a bath would be super nice. Note how your leg still has residual wax on it? It is stuck to the bathroom rug.
  • Wash the bathroom rug, and while you’re at it, wash them all.
  • Hunt for Neosporin for your arm, because the wax took some skin.
  • Don’t get freaked when you hear mice in the attic. You are a 21st Century woman, take care of it. Since you’re into sticky messes tonight, use those inhumane sticky mouse traps that always make you cry when they work.
  • Make pancakes. It will be breakfast in a few hours anyway. Wait. Wash the stove off first. Sheesh! Whose job is this? They need to get on it.
  • Lose interest in pancakes. How about zucchini bread? From scratch…right, settle for a popsicle.
  • Text BFF, “Waxed my arm, it’s bleeding.”
  • Give yourself a mango facial. Now try to find your glasses. Your brain went to bed five hours ago.
  • Put on your pajamas and go to bed. Call people who live in other time zones. They’re all in bed.
  • Blog about it so they can see all the fun they missed.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Oh The Places You’ll ALMOST Go!

It has been my experience that for every place I visit or live, there are a pile of places I’ve almost visited or lived. Especially vacations. When I was working full-time and going to school nights, cruise brochures were jammed in my pocketbook, my desk, and car. For years I debated between the usual tropical cruise and one that went through The Grand Canyon. They were priced about the same, and I really wanted that Grand Canyon rafting one. Never did take either. Despite my grand plans, math has the ability to completely wreck everything. Know what I mean? And don’t even get me started on what reality can do to you. The following is a list of places I almost went, prepare to be envious, I have an amazing almost life.
·         Egypt – To see the pyramids. I still have all the books. This one was put on the back burner for something like Six Flags because I was twelve.
·         Carolina – I was going to move there. Family lives there and I spent summers there, and decided to head south. Somehow, for reasons which are still unclear, I ended up in Boston. I know, right?
·         The Marshall Islands. They’re in the South Pacific, and I was going to go live there and ride my bike everywhere. It did not work out because Dear Hubby said something like, ‘no’. Hate when he does that. I remained in Boston where you cannot ride your bike to work, not if you want to live.
·         Colorado – to live in the mountains. I overshot and ended up in Texas.
·         Virginia – to live. The job was lined up, but nobody wanted my house in Texas. So fine, I stayed in Texas.
·         Alice Springs, Australia. It’s in The Outback. The reason we didn’t move to Alice Springs is complicated, we were doing the paperwork. I was trying to figure out how to buy three years worth of toilet paper to ship – apparently you have to bring your own. The reason I didn’t go is a long story that involves diphtheria and implied death threats from my in-laws. Though I never have let the latter stop me. My BFF has still not fully recovered from this disappointment. She was already booking her trip to come visit. The layover was in Hawaii. She still tears up. It’s probably all for the best. It isn’t likely I’d have ever gotten the toilet paper calculation right.
·         Los Angeles. Apparently the fishing isn’t so good there.
·         A month long trip to Scotland. It was actually a research trip for a novel I’m writing. The muse moved the novel location to Iceland. I cried for two days, but heartlessly she wouldn’t budge. So now the trip has been moved to Iceland. Nobody can afford to go there for an entire month, not even the people who live there. So I’ll have to write faster. Still, the Scotland trip is off.
·         Greece. This is the latest place I’m not going to. Reality just stomped all over me last night. It was a dual trip, both writer’s retreat AND book research trip. Icelandair actually has a deal going on where you can book a trip through Iceland for no additional cost to your ticket. So I was flying New York to Athens via Iceland. Not to mention Denmark and possibly Rome as stopovers. The potential for adventure was high. If all those flights were on time, I’d eat my head. Alas my conversion from dollars to kronas and euros was somewhat skewed and reality just had its way with me yet again. I hate that.
And those are some of the awesomely cool places I’ve almost gone to. Pretty heady stuff, huh? Tell me about the wonderful places you’ve almost visited, I’d love to hear about it.

Monday, April 8, 2013


Photo Credit: S. R. Karfelt

Recently I posed the question of writing under a different name to a group of writer friends. You’re familiar with writing under a pseudonym, right? My novels will be published in a few months under S. R. Karfelt, my real and actual name, but I’m also working on two non-fiction books. It is those books I’ve considered publishing under a different name, simply because they aren’t novels. They’re travel books that will be ala Glitter Globe style, meaning just for fun. Imagine the fun and adventure of taking a flight from New York to Athens via Reykjavik, Iceland and also managing to tag Denmark and Rome on the way, and that is the premise for the books. Airports of the world, and beyond! Or getting as many miles as possible when you travel (at no additional cost). It was a whim that came to me when I booked a recent flight from New York to Charlotte via Detroit. If you think that the airlines are just torturing you, then you’re missing the whole point. The journey can be the fun part.

Book premise aside, most of my writer friends encourage me to own my writing with my real name, and not bother with pseudonyms. That got me to thinking about my real name. Technically I’ve had four last names and I’ve only been married once. Yes, that’s three maiden names. There is the biological father’s name, for short we refer to him as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. You heard it here. Voldemort is my father. (It’s okay to say it out loud now, thanks to Harry. Thank goodness, because ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is way too long to put on a name tag, but when you have Voldemort on your name tag no one even talks to you.) That is why the Bohemians gave me their name. Pazicni is shorter, and doesn’t scare people. Unless you know us directly. Since there are at least half a billion Pazicni’s on earth – many of whom are my first cousins – it would make good marketing sense to write with that name. If only a fraction of existing Pazicni’s saw that book and bought it, (which they might, because we belong to the same tribe, and we’re supportive like that) I could take the proceeds from the sale and maybe afford to buy a direct flight someday. At least I think I could. Are there really such things as direct flights?

After years with the Pazicni Tribe I was adopted and received a third last name. The fun part of that is the person who adopted me had also been adopted late in childhood, and the name was of a nationality that fit neither of us. Do I look like a Patil-Balasubramanium? Neither did my adopter. So we had that in common, the random uncomfortable borrowed surname. That’s not the actual name by the way. If I told you what it was, I’d have to go change all of my passwords, and it’s the perfect password because even if you KNOW it, you can never spell it right and hope to access my remaining $17.14 writer goldmine.

So three maiden names in, I met and married a Karfelt, and briefly debated hyphenating all the names into a new and torturous one for my offspring. After about a nanosecond of deliberation I vetoed that and took Karfelt on the condition that we’d have it legally changed to start with a C. Didn’t want to have to spend the rest of my life correcting the spelling of everyone I ever met. It’s still on the to-do list, and all my paperwork is misfiled under C right where it belongs. I’m busy writing novels, okay?

S. R. Karfelt
So how many last names do you have? Is there a story there? How is your name misspelled? Is it just a letter, or something more fun? And do you spell out your name whenever you have to say it? I like to say, “K as in knife…”. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Dirty Little Secrets

·         Insomnia can be fun if you’re a reader. Sometimes I fake it.
·         Even though we broke up, occasionally I cheat and eat chocolate anyway. Usually after a day of organic salads and oatmeal. You have to want to change your behavior they say.
·         I pray on the toilet an awful lot.
·         Now and then I watch Jenna Marbles videos on YouTube for hours. I think she is hysterical.
·         I count weddings and funerals as church attendance.
·         I never NEVER answer the telephone. If I wanted to talk to someone, I’d call them.
·         You know those security questions you get for on-line accounts? I refuse to give real information. I make up stuff that amuses me. Different stuff for every account. I hate when they won’t let you put in 1887 for the year you were born.
·         I don’t take medicine*. Well, I take it from the Doctor, but I don’t actually take it. This is because in the past I’ve never had a medication that actually made anything better. If I’m very, very lucky, this will be the case my entire life. *Antibiotics are an exception.
·         Everything inside the maul is a writing prompt, it is freaking exhausting.
·         Sometimes it is necessary to dig another suitcase out of the attic when going on a trip, because I haven’t unpacked from last time…or the time before that one either. This is the first time I’ve had to buy a new one though. I’m running out of clothes.
·         Matching socks is anal behavior, in my opinion.
·         I have this theory about why guys are stronger than women. It’s so not politically correct. Suffice to say if they weren’t they’d be extinct by now. Maybe it’s just me though. It is fishing season you know.
·         Though I’m totally a bleeding heart about animals, I can turn on a dime if there is a mouse in the attic, or a snake in the living room. I can flip from PETA candidate to NRA Camo-Chick faster than you can say, “There’s a bear by the back door.”
·         I always carry an Epic Slinky Dog in my purse. This is handy for photo ops, and may or may not explain why your toddler keeps trying to climb over the pew in church.

Photo Credit: Suzy Young (Who also apparently carries Slinky with her.)

Once again it is confession time in The Glitter Globe. If your Dirty Little Secret is epic, I’ll send you an Epic Slinky Dog. Be sure to officially follow my blog, and leave contact information in your comment!