Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Norman Bates

Photo Credit:  Norman Bates by Stephanie Karfelt

Once Upon a Time a little girl’s stupid parents promised to get her a cat if she would move to Iceland. At the time they promised this, Angel’s tiny fingers were clutching the door jamb of her lovely house in a sunny land.
            “You will like Iceland,” they lied, “it snows there, all the way up to the windowsills!”  (This is a lie, because it actually snows up to the rooftops in Iceland*.) 
            Angel wasn’t buying it, so they threw in the cat deal.

            At the SPCA Angel picked out a kitten with several extra toes on each paw. She felt sorry for it. She didn’t understand about inbreeding. Neither did she connect the tiny black and white kitten to its feral mother, yowling and slamming her body against a nearby cage. Angel named the kitten Oreo, because it was black and white. (Nor did Angel understand politically incorrect.)

            Oreo did not understand the refrigerator door rule. You know the one. Where a person pushes the door shut, while walking away, unaware that the kitten scuttled across the floor to peep inside. He crawled under the couch, where Angel’s stupid parents assumed he would be transported to kitten heaven. No such luck, fortunately that did not happen. Instead he darted out demanding blood sacrifices for the offense, and stealing entire loaves of bread to consume with primitive growls of joy.

Scary little Oreo, tiny kitten that he was, got to go outside because he stood at the door and spoke in a deep man voice and said, “OUT, OUUUUUT, OUUUUUUUUUT,” over and over. Until Angel’s parents were a little afraid not to allow it. So they allowed it and hoped for the best, which may not mean what you think it means, but dang if he didn’t come back. Every time.

            It soon became apparent that the not so sweet little inbred kitten was in fact, a serial killer. Woodland creatures (and some neighbors) far and wide feared him. The body count rose, but in the spirit of Hannibal Lector, Oreo did not waste his victims. Angel averted her eyes to the carnage, but didn’t protest when her parents renamed her kitten Norman Bates after the dude in Psycho. Norm liked to greet children at the front door and chase them through the house, he really liked if they screamed, and gave them plenty of reason to do so. Angel took to wearing socks on her arms to protect herself. The neighborhood children enjoyed playing blood-tag with Norman, and no one sued when the cat tagged them out. They were afraid to. Norm knew where they lived.
Photo Credit:  Norman Bates by Stephanie Karfelt
            In an attempt to keep skin on their daughter and her friends, the stupid parents had the cat declawed, but his nails grew back. Not all twenty-eight of them, but enough to keep the residents of Iceland on their toes. The plan was to keep Norm inside after the failed declawing, but the household became afraid to walk in the dark with the cat inside. Nights were filled with running and screaming (both feline and human) and rescues where several family members had to pry Norman off a screaming victim were common. Stray cats tormented from outside, causing Norman to launch himself against the windows bellowing, “Goooooo hooooooome!  Goooooo!  Gooooo!”  And one night he woke Angel’s mother by standing on her chest and speaking in a low reasonable tone, “Let. Me. Ouuuut.”  So out he went again, the scourge of the countryside. So remember this, if you’re ever hiking in Iceland, for the love of light, wear socks on your arms.


*Location may have been altered in the hopes that if Norman reads this, he won’t know it is about him and come after me. The rest of the story is true.

Do you have a scary cat story?  Or any cat story you’d like to share?  An Epic Slinky Dog (the antithesis to Norman) will be awarded to the best cat tale.

(And if you enjoyed Norman’s story, you can vote for it at   The Realm of DM Kilgore .)
What is an Epic Slinky Dog you may ask? Just about the sweetest blog giveaway EVER. Check him out.
Photo Credit:  Kathryn Books

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